For all you scholars still studying, you might enjoy this profound comment from “WalterSolano” on our Reading Period Rant video:
“Many people gone crazy when they go that school my mother boss son lost his brain studying a lot =/ so isn’t so good go there to study it will cause lost your brain cells reading all f***ing day.”
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During reading period, Harvard students have a great deal of pent-up energy. This instructional workout video will help students relax and overcome highly intense, academic situations.
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The Harvard Hooligan occasionally writes a column for his home newspaper, The Denver Post, when he’s not making dumb YouTube videos. The latest features his dearly beloved roommates:
Welcome to Life in the Fishbowl - Denver Post, Jan 11.
“Why can’t I see your Facebook profile?” my mom asks when I quickly close my laptop.
“Because you’re my mother,” I wisely remind her.
But if I had more wisdom, I might consider the fact that school administrators, employers, advertisers and strangers who are more tech-savvy than my mother can easily access my online profile and pictures.
Indeed, such online snoops found compromising photos of President-Elect Barack Obama’s speechwriter caressing a cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton and college kids partying in the Colorado governor’s mansion simply by perusing Facebook.
But my generation doesn’t care much for privacy. We have grown up watching reality TV shows in which participants proudly volunteer to have cameras follow them for 24 hours a day. We cheer as the most intimate and incriminating moments of people’s lives are captured for the world to see in MTV’s “Real World,” “Survivor,” “Blind Date,” “Wife Swap,” “The Simple Life,” and “Laguna Beach.”
When we tire of auditioning for such shows, we simply publicize our own lives. Students post candid party pictures on Facebook, videos on YouTube, and diaries on Blogspot, for all to see. We document our everyday lives in unprecedented ways.
But in addition to our own efforts, companies like Google and Yahoo monitor our online behavior, share our personal e-mails with third parties, and save our video and voice chats.
Such detailed records of our young lives would make even Richard Nixon envious. Unlike Nixon, however, we cannot always erase the parts we don’t like. Much of what is posted on the Web is beyond our control.
Future politicians will be haunted not by whether they inhaled in college, but by whether their former friends posted pictures of their prodigal behavior. Peers with cellphone cameras have replaced the paparazzi. Partygoers playfully shout “blackmail photo” seconds after snapping photos of students making out or drinking from a keg.
Last year, my roommates and I created an online comedy group called the “Harvard Hooligans” to parody this collegiate lifestyle. Our fake Web personalities and YouTube videos gained national attention when CNN, Sports Illustrated, and The Boston Globe featured our clips on their own sites.
We challenged school administrators, condemned “dorm food,” and gave bad advice to freshmen. Many took our ridiculous rants about college to be in earnest. Students in Korea even e-mailed us for application advice. They had failed to distinguish between our personal and online personas.
While my peers laughed at our comedy clips, my parents shook their heads disapprovingly. I quickly learned how easily online information could be misinterpreted when they threatened to cut my college tuition assistance.
Although we Hooligans are a joke, others have faced serious consequences for their online behavior. More than 100 high school students were suspended or reprimanded for posting underage drinking photos or cyber-bullying in 2008.
Unless we recognize the real-world implications of our cyber-world activities, these numbers will almost certainly increase as more students join social networking sites.
Online photos and comments complicate not only our classrooms, but also our relationships. The Boston Globe recently published a feature article headlined, “Facebook broke my heart,” which details how users seek extramarital relationships via the site. Salacious comments and photos found online have caused people to question their significant others.
By blurring the boundary between public and private lives, social networking sites have become intertwined with our most personal interactions.
But the ease and efficiency with which these sites allow people to communicate and share photos ensures that they will continue to play a significant role in our culture. Their mark on politics, education, and personal interaction has only just begun.
Even my mom is taking baby steps toward becoming part of our cyberculture. When my family held a Christmas party this year, she started snapping away with her new digital camera. But instead of laboriously pasting these pictures into a scrapbook, she simply uploaded them on a photo-sharing website for friends and family (and anyone else) to enjoy.
I’m just glad I didn’t spike the eggnog.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: harvard hooligan, denver post, facebook, myspace, privacy, promiscuous pictures
After stumbling upon our transformational video, a Dartmouth alumnus who calls himself the “Northstar Nerd” needs our help:
After reviewing his plea several times (once in slow motion), we are convinced that this man is already very cool. His old-school gadgets would make James Bond jealous.
If this man decides to acquire an iPod, he will probably self-destruct with coolness. The transition from “talk radio” to “Podcasts” is like going from cigarettes to heroin. It’s simply not healthy to purchase an iPod if you’re over the age of 27.
My father (who is over 27) made the mistake of unwrapping an iTouch this Christmas. He has not been the same since. I sometimes hear him screaming at night because he can’t handle the “touch screen.” He accidentally clicks on “dirty rap songs” instead of his beloved classical melodies. Once a Spelling Bee champion, my father is now unable to spell his own name using the touch keyboard.
It’s sad to watch his decline. Our family’s medical bills will surely increase as the iPod causes my father’s hearing to further deteriorate; its mini-screen will soon blind him; and the psychological effects are yet unfathomable.
I therefore discourage the Northstar Nerd from making the same tragic mistake.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: christmas gifts, dartmouth alumni, harvard alumni, iPhone, iPod, iTouch, podcasts
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: assassination, debate, harvard, hooligans, uc president
OHT host, Derek Flanzraich ‘10, asks us a bunch of questions about our campaign for the UC Presidency. Then I stab him in the hand. To watch other interviews and videos, visit On Harvard Time.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: flanzraich, harvard, on harvard time, president
The first episode of HTVN’s Ivory Tower, the oldest college soap opera in America, captures the first days of freshman year of my freshman VP.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: college, freshmen, hrtv, hvtn, ivory tower, soap opera
This handsome individual made a video expressing doubts about the feasibility of our ticket:
It bears some similarities to commentary made during the real Presidential Election of 2008.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: matt damon, president, election 2008
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: harvard yale football game, ivy league, university
Housewife and Hillbilly Hooligans with American Bond girl
At precisely 10:15 pm, we fastened our cummerbunds and straightened our bow ties in order to look presentable for the midnight showing of James Bond’s latest film, Quantum of Solace. We had already wasted our afternoon watching the film’s trailer 34 times on apple.com. Although Hunchback hooked his computer up to our massive speaker system to enhance the explosions, the low-def video quality didn’t do the Bond girls justice.
For this reason, we invited some lady friends to dress up as Bond girls and join us for Martinis before the premiere. Hillbilly became angry when they arrived late, wearing jeans instead of low-cut dresses. Because these “ladies” failed to follow dress code, Hillbilly made them drink Coors beer. Meanwhile, Hunchback blasted the Bond theme song at full volume in an effort to create a “European disco-tech” in our room.
By the time we arrived at the movie theater, Housewife was highly intoxicated and about to wet his tuxedo pants in excitement. “Name’s Bond, James Bond!” he kept shouting at sober women while pointing a finger-gun at them. This hit-on line proved far less effective than the one that Bond delivered in the movie: “I can’t find my stationery. Will you come and help me look for it?”
Although the Quantum of Solace was faithful to the Bond formula (guns, girls, and gadgets), we left the theater disappointed. Housewife complained that the action moved too quickly for his drunken eyes to follow. I had been deafened by the “European disco-tech” and was unable to hear the one-liners. And Hillbilly was unable to identify any of the foreign locations.
I guess we’ll have to go again after we get our tuxedos back from the dry-cleaners.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: bond, craig, gadgets, girls, guns, pickup lines, quantum of solace, stationery
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: application, harvard hooligan, harvard university, president obama
Youth voter turnout was indeed higher than expected this election year. The Hooligans had an unprecedented turnout rate of 100% . Hairy and I voted for change and socialism (Obama and Democrats). Housewife voted for change without socialism (Obama and Republicans). Hillbilly voted against progress and the future (McCain). And Hunchback can’t vote in America.
All also clapped and cheered and cried like patriots when Obama gave his victory speech.
After the speech, the Harvard Hooligans took to the streets in a liberal fashion and started a small riot on Mount Auburn street. Housewife even led a few bipartisan cheers like “U..S…A…U…S…A,” and sang the national anthem. Hunchback sang the Swiss anthem as a sign of the renew solidarity between the United States and Switzerland. He also made out with this girl in the middle of the street. Victory celebrations are a great way to improve your sex life.
To demonstrate just how liberal America had become almost overnight, Housewife and Hairy removed all their conservative clothing and went streaking through the streets of Cambridge.
I was so inspired by the whole thing that I’ve decided to apply for Teach for America.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: cambridge, election, harvard university, obama, party, student riot, youth turnout 2008
After listening to Drew Faust and Al Gore speak about the importance of Harvard’s green campus initiative, I decided to take matters into my own hands.
If you also believe in Green Justice, please sign the Harvard Sustainability Pledge and help your house win the race to save planet earth.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: al gore, campus, faust, green, harvard, Harvard Hooligans, renewable energy, speech
Unlike girls who spend months deliberating over what “to be” for Halloween (usually trying to decide between a half-naked pirate or a half-naked nurse), Hooligans only spend a few hours finding whatever crap is in their closets.
It took Hillbilly a good four minutes to grow out his mullet and throw on a tattered t-shit. Housewife, very conscientious about his appearance, transformed himself in Hermes by using a blanket as a cape and computer paper for “wings.” Hunchback, ever the superior European, dressed as a colonialist by putting on a penis-shaped cap and carrying a golf club. Hairy went as Waldo by spray-painting his shirt with red stripes. I’ve been Zorro ever since I was 11-years-old and this year was no exception. Except my “Zorro” mask is now three sizes too small and my sword looks more like a dagger (they didn’t let us carry “real looking weapons” in elementary school).
After putting on our “costumes,” we set off on a holy Halloween pilgrimage to Salem, MA. We managed to distract ourselves from the horrible traffic by making scary faces at fellow drivers.
Although Salem was once famous for killing witches, it’s more progressive now. Witches wearing hardly any clothes now run rampant in its streets. There are also hoards of goblins, Jokers, monsters, and gothic people.
Hairy (aka “Waldo”) had the most popular costume in town. As we walked through the crowded streets, people shouted joyfully, “I finally found Waldo!” or “I wasted four years of my childhood searching for Waldo.” All the scantily clad nurses wanted to take photos with Waldo. Hairy had a very merry Halloween.
We returned to campus before midnight in order to avoid getting murdered, and spent the remainder of the night drinking from a cauldron at the Lampoon’s Halloween Party.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: costumes, halloween, harvard, Harvard Hooligans, lampoon, salem, waldo
We made this video for Finale’s video competition. If we win, we’ll get free desserts from Finale for the rest of our lives.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: chocolate decadence, college, counseling, dessert, finale, food, harvard, Harvard Hooligans
My cousin from Princeton came to Cambridge this weekend to row at the Head of the Charles. She sent me a text asking me to watch her race for the varsity women’s team. Because I’m not much of a rowing fan and even less of a Princeton fan, I was initially hesitant to go. But then I recalled that my lady cousin was much stronger than I and would demolish me if I failed to “support her.”
First problem with crew regattas
They occur in the morning. No modern day spectator sport should take place before noon. My cousin told me to be on the river bank by 7:30 AM. Although this might sound morally objectionable to anyone not familiar with cruel crew rituals, my cousin assured me this was a common practice in the Ivy League. Crew teams take masochistic delight in having their daily practices even earlier.
I personally had not awoken before 9 AM in almost three years. Thus I was not in a particularly jovial mood when I arrived at the River to find a gust of cold morning air blasting into my face. I was also not too fond of nearby coaches screaming “Row, row, row, like the devil!” into my barely awake ears. I much prefer the childhood lullaby.
The second problem with crew regattas
You can’t tell who the hell is winning. After I finally managed to open my tired eyes, I remained unable to determine which boat belonged to the Princeton women’s team. This was for two reasons 1) the women’s team is almost indistinguishable from the men’s team 2) they splash more than children in a bathtub. Furthermore, they stagger the starting times of each boat by 10 seconds. The boat at the front of the pack might actually be in dead last! They stagger the start times in order to deprive spectators of all happiness by preventing boats from crashing into one another (except for once).
The third problem with crew regattas
They’re painful to watch unless you’re a sadist. These poor rowers groan like dying dinosaurs every time they stroke the oar. Sometimes their oars land on the heads of unsuspecting ducks—killing them. The rowers are also forced to endure the high falsettos of a small coxswain screaming from back of the boat. These horrible people say things like “Row like you’ve got a gun to your head” and “Make it hurt” (actual quotes I overheard today).
Conclusion
After about 15 minutes of watching, I was exhausted and felt like throwing up. I had never seen such inhumanity in my whole life except on television. May God have mercy on the souls of coxswains!
Being a man of principle, I tore my eyes from the spectacle and went instead to the promo tents where they give away free “health food” samples of smoothies, chocolate chip cookies, and soy candy bars.
Reply text to my dear cousin: “Great race”.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: cambridge, Charles River, college crew, cox, crew, harvard, harvard athletics, head of charles, oars, princeton, regattas, results, rowers, rowing, university, yale
The influence of the Harvard Hooligans extends beyond Alaska and into the classrooms of Korea. I recently received this message on YouTube:
You guys have become somewhat of a phenomenon at our school here in Korea (Seoul Foreign School). People go around quoting you guys. “Not even double spaced, or 1.5 spaced. SINGLE SPACED!!!”
Some of us are applying to Harvard as well. Any tips?
This is not the first time that ambitious high school students have come to the Hooligans for college admissions advice. They figure if we idiots can get into Harvard, anyone can. The door of academia is open to all who follow these few simple tips from the Harvard Hooligan:
1. Have a disability. Disabilities are guaranteed to get you into Harvard (and also preclude you from fighting in wars). I myself have a “hearing disability.” The Harvard admissions office was willing to forgive my poor grades, SAT scores, and criminal record because they sympathized with my hearing impairment. If you have polio, Herpes, or a broken leg, be sure to mention your disease in your application.
2. If you don’t have a disability, then you better have a dead relative or friend. You won’t be admitted unless you somehow gain the sympathy of the gatekeepers of academia. All you need to do is mention death and something about “gather ye rosebuds” and you’re in. But don’t get too personal in your “personal statement essay.” That’s not classy. I actually wrote my entire “personal statement” on driving an ugly minivan called the Minnow to high school every morning. The gatekeepers liked it enough, but told me afterward that it could have benefited from a little more death and tragedy. Thankfully, I had my disability to fall back on.
3. If you have neither a disability nor a dead relative, then you’ll need a living relative who wants to donate $10 million dollars for a new Harvard football stadium. This will definitely help your chances. Although the admissions office claims to be “need-blind,” a football stadium named after your family might have a subconscious effect.
If you follow these three simple rules, you will outshine your more qualified peers and be admitted to Harvard University. If you send me a personal check for $4,000 dollars and fire your “college counselor,” I will send you 4 additional tips, and 50 flashcards with hard SAT words written on them. Please address the envelop to Harvard Hooligan at the Winthrop House Mail Center.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: harvard, university, apply, college application, deadline, admission office, personal statement, personal essays, college essays, SAT, ACT, tips, guides, best colleges, financial aid
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: 3rd debate, admissions, apply, college, education, election, girls, harvard, mccain, obama, palin, politics, students, university
This video identifies a longstanding problem in the Harvard academic community.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: book, classes, college, education, harvard, laptop, lectures, notes, university
Because Harvard students generally prefer to spend their evenings reading alone than having sex with a partner, Harvard’s College Events Board (CEB) attempted to galvanize the school’s dating scene by hosting “Dinner and a Movie Night” on Thursday. After years of girls complaining about guys never taking them on dates, CEB tried to prod us into having some fun in order to improve senior survey results.
The school offered “comp tickets” to Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist and 15% discounts to Harvard Square’s plushest restaurants including Harvest and Upstairs on the Square (which nevertheless remained $80 beyond my college budget).
Being a thoughtful and loving guy, I tried to invite some girls to go with me. They claimed to have “too much reading to do” and so I decided to take Housewife instead.
Because I didn’t intend to splurge any money whatsoever on Housewife, I told him we’d skip the dinner part and go straight to the free movie part.
Housewife, who is Jewish, had spent the previous 24 hours fasting for Yom Kippur so he was even moodier than usual. But at least he looked more attractive after starving himself. Housewife had lost a good four pounds. But I’d rather have a happy Housewife than a skinny one, so I purchased him some popcorn.
He ate the whole damn $8 bag in less than 2.943 minutes. I got stuck with the kernel crap at the bottom.
The movie was even worse than the kernel crap. It’s about a skinny dude named Nick who is dumb enough to separately drive his own crappy yellow car into New York City. Nevertheless, he gets hit on by two chicks. One of them even does a striptease on the hood of his jalopy. Being the great guy that he is, Nick abandons this girl mid-striptease to die in a NY parking-lot.
When the credits rolled, Housewife and I felt lonelier than ever before. Thanks for such a fun night, CEB.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: car, ceb, college events, date night, dinner movie, harvard, harvest boston, infinite playlist, nick and nora, review, striptease, upstairs on the square
At 6 pm Eastern Time, Hulk Hooligan nearly died in a tragic bike accident. Hulk decided to go on a 23-mile bike ride after noticing that his calf muscles were not quite as large as his thigh muscles. As a member of Harvard’s rowing squadron, Hulk likes to spend every waking moment of his life making his muscles bigger. After three years of performing Herculean tasks and starving himself on lettuce-only dinners, Hulk now has veins the size of the mighty Mississippi.
Some of these veins carry blood to his face. When Hulk saw a car pulling out in front his 21-speed bicycle on Mass Ave, the blood ran from his face and his beautiful blue eyes got even bigger. Hulk bravely slammed on his front pedal break, which caused him to flip immediately over his handlebars. The left side of his magnificent face scraped against the street and the blood returned to his face, gushing out onto the sidewalk and nearby pedestrians. He gave a manly grunt of pain as bystanders rushed to the scene.
One civilian called an ambulance while Hulk insisted that it was just a scratch. He was then rushed to the hospital looking uglier than Two-Face at the end of The Dark Knight.
Six hours later, the doctor drove him back to the Palatial Penthouse Palace to the loving, nursing care of the other Hooligans. I got him chicken Caesar salad and a chocolate shake from b. good.
Thanks to my nursing efforts, Hulk has already begun his recovery and will soon be back on the water rowing for Harvard at the Head of the Charles. We wish him well in his great endeavor.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: harvard, dark knight, head of the charles, rowing, b good, hulk, bicycle accident
Pulitzer-prize winning author of Empire Falls, Richard Russo, dropped by the Harvard Advocate last night to read passages from his new novel, Bridge of Sighs. As a devoted concentrator of American and English Literature and Language, I decided to sit down with my literary pals at the Advocate and listen to Russo read. As his words wafted into my ears, I felt like a preschooler at storytime again. But Russo apparently liked reading more than some of the Advocate literati liked listening. After over an hour of listening to his lovely adjectives, an illiterate lady decided to try to tip-toe out of the room. Only inches from the exit, however, she accidentally nudged a wine glass off a table. The sound of shattering glass stopped the flow of the author’s recitation and caused him to mutter something mean under his breath. So I figured that I’d just stay put until the end. They had some leftover brownies and cheese. Snacktime was always my favorite part of preschool.
Richard Russo likes to read
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: advocate, bridge of sighs, empire falls, reading, richard russo
At 9 pm sharp, we abandoned our hard homework and settled down in front of our $700 flat screen TV (which I have a 15% stake when we sell it for $10 dollars at the end of this financial year). Before I had even cracked open my first beer, Hillbilly was already bragging about how McCain was going to do a “WWF smackdown on Obama during the town hall debate,” a forum in which McCain thrives. “McCain is so darn good and persuading when he’s allowed to talk face-to-face to ordinary American folks seated nearby,” Hillbilly noted. Unfortunately for McCain, these 80 audience members was anything but ordinary. They were super-humans utterly deprived of emotional expression. Although Tom Brokaw admitted at the beginning of the broadcast that he had strictly warned the audience to refrain from showing any favoritism, he neglected to mention that he also gave them Clydesdale tranquilizers. The crowd was so stiff that we decided to drink whenever an audience member blinked. Thus we remained sober the entire night (which has permitted me to provide this amazingly detailed account).
I can say little about the early debate points because our $700 TV gets terrible reception for Harvard forbids cable access in the dorms. Hog Hooligan eventually found the proper angle at which to hoist the TV antenna and directed us to take turns the remainder of the program holding the cumbersome device out the window.
After things finally came into focus, Hillbilly was able to witness with his perfect “pilot eyes” his candidate getting crushed. Obama won question after question as McCain stammered to put together complete sentences and coherent thoughts.
At the end, we all wildly applauded Obama for his victory and shouted profanities at old man McCain for being a real jerk. All except for Hog (who had fallen asleep onto my shoulder) and Hillbilly (who shook his head in shame).
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: Harvard Hooligans, mccain, obama, townhall, wwf, smackdown, tom brokaw, audience, tranquilizers, debate
To complete Hillbilly’s week long 22nd birthday celebration, we went to Tommy Doyle’s on Saturday to feast on raw burgers and watch football. We huddled around two small tables in the bar’s basement to catch the Nebraska game where Hillbilly’s little baby brother was destined to make an appearance as Nebraska’s second string quarterback. Hillbilly, true to his Christian name, is a lover of football. He shouts, jeers, and wets his jeans whenever anything happens on a green field with lines on it. Hillbilly’s happiness depends how many of these lines Nebraska players are able to cross. Gain two yards and Hillbilly gives a yelp; gain 10 yards and Hillbilly gives a triumphant battle roar; get a touchdown and Hillbilly flips out worse than Tom Cruise on Oprah. Then he wants to give everyone in the bar high-fives with his dirty paws. I got out of the bar before things started to look bad for Nebraska. It’s no fun to watch a grown man like Hillbilly cry.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: harvard, nebraska, huskers, quarterback, college football, witt
We spent a beautiful fall day at Honey Pot Hill Orchards on a Winthrop House field trip. Hillbilly won the apple bobbing competition and Hunchback got giardia when we returned home.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: apple picking, Boston, fall, Harvard Hooligans, honey pot hill orchards, orchard, pies, pumpkin picking, winthrop
